Daddio on the Patio
Daddio on the Patio
Tom was flipping burgers and dogs in his “Daddio on the Patio” apron.
“Okay, gang! Come ‘n’ get it!”
“Cheeseburger, sesame bun, ketchup.”
“Gardenburger, no cheese, gluten-free bun,”
“
Hot dog, gluten-free bun, onions, no mustard, ok?”
“Cheeseburger, um, you got vegan Swiss cheese? Pretzel bun.”
“Vegan hot dog. Potato bun!”
“Gardenburger. TOADLY plain! No bun! Seriously!”
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Get your own fat free, gluten-free, ceramic BBQ goodies for your next patio event, ($10 each, mix and match, $20 per pair) Chat up Louisa on the Contact page.
Going for the Gold
Going for the Gold
It’s a Paris jewelry boutique. A trim girl came in with damp hair, smelling of chlorine.
The saleswoman gave her a side eye. “Bonjour, Mademoiselle. Vous cherchez quelque chose?”
“Oui, yes,” the girl said. “ I need some earrings to go with this.” She whipped out the gold medal that she’d been hiding—so humbly—under her Ralph Lauren uniform shirt.
The shop woman straightened up.
“Absolument. Here we have large ones, with the Tree of Life design, some medium size studs with an Olympic discus, and very small studs with a little knot like our Legion d’Honneur.”
“I’ll take them all.” The girl handed over her credit card.
“Ah! Torri Huske! Felicitations on winning the 100-meter butterfly! It’s your first gold, n’est-ce pas?”
Torri gave a little bow. “Yes. That’s kind of you.”
The woman leaned in. “You know these earrings are not real gold, yes?”
Torri grinned. “It’s fine. Neither is this medal.”
———
Borrow a snippet of Olympic gold glamor with these Tree of Life dangle earrings ($15) or a pair of square or round gold studs. ($10). Talk to Louisa on the Contact page.
The Antalya Collection
The Antalya Collection
The sun broiled down on Antalya, and Ted wondered why he’d chosen July for this trip. There was one seat left outdoors at the Seli cafe, and it faced a beautiful woman in royal blue linen.
“May I?”
“Of course.”
Her smile was dazzling white. She was clearly a native of the Turquoise Coast. He ordered a raki and mopped his brow with a bandanna.
“The heat bothers you?”
“Yes. How do you stand it?”
“It’s these earrings. You see, the breeze blows right through them. Also, the colors. They make you feel cooler, yes?”
He peered at them and put away the bandanna, surprised.
“As a matter of fact….yes!”
———
You can’t see your own earrings, but your friends and lovers will feel like they’ve just had a dip in the Med when they gaze upon your triple-strand ($30) or single-strand ($20) Antalya earrings. Talk to Louisa on the contact page.
He-She
Gender Studies 201
“Let’s talk pronouns today.”
Brad raised his hand: “He, him, his.”
Molly: “They, them, theirs.”
Andrea waved her wrist, which was paved with a rainbow stack of bangles, made of tiny disc beads interspersed with flecks of gold. “He, She.”
Dr. Olson furrowed her brow. “Never heard of that one.”
“Heishi beads. An ancient tradition from Santo Domingo,” Andrea intoned. “They ground us amidst life’s chaos. They are tools for personal growth, aiding in emotional healing and energy balancing. They foster a sense of peace.”
Dr. Olson was skeptical. “Do they work?”
“I don’t know yet,” Andrea said. “But they’re way cool.”
———
If you want a set of seven mystical bracelets in a rainbow of colors, which may or may not induce emotional healing but will definitely look awesome, contact Louisa on the Contact page. Seven for $70, or $12 each. Other colors, too!
Spring Swag
“Great grandma, why is your watch so funny?”
“It’s not funny,” Violet said, “It’s fun. Sit on my lap.”
Gwen cuddled in. “Long long ago, when I was a girl, there was a parfumeur in Paris named Victor Vaissier. Victor was an artist as well as a chemist. He decorated his packages with pretty flowers and fancy flourishes. This was the late 1880s, you know, the Belle Epoque.”
Gwen had a lot of questions, but she wanted to hear the story.
“His soap became very famous, and he even sold his lotions and potions to the King of Belgium, the Tsar of Russia and the Royal courts of Romania.”
They all sounded very important to Gwen.
“One year, Victor Vaissier gave watches to all his top customers. The watch face was a pretty yellow with roses and his name right in the middle. The King of Belgium gave this to me, and I had a band made to match.”
“Wait a minute, Great-grandma, did you say the King of Belgium?”
“Yes, my dear. We were ….. very good friends.”
———
The watch tells the right time twice a day. The bracelet looks like an Easter basket all year round.
$90. Contact Louisa by visiting the Contact page.
Raquel
To find Javier’s at the Cabo Azul resort in San Jose del Cabo, I had to venture through a series
of ornate lobbies, down broad marble stairs, past indoor fountains, dodging through beautiful,
expensively-dressed millennials. Music throbbed with a beat that encourages romance and
money-spending.
Raquel had said I’d know her by her bracelet, an odd thing to say to a blind date. And
yet…there she is. A simple white linen sheath, a mane of honey-colored hair, and a bold half-
dozen of pure white and gold bracelets. Each one was tasteful, classy, and perfect in itself.
The
stack of six said I may be classy, but I ain’t dull. I’m in love already.
———
No need to fight through the Cabo Azul lobby to find the glass, brass, and acrylic Raquel bracelet ($70). Talk to Louisa on the Contact page.
Barbie & Frida
Discussion in Women’s Studies 101:
Barbie and Frida. Compare and contrast.
Eugenia: They’re both pre-feminist. But Frida exhibits Latinx sexuality.
Tracy: Barbie’s sexuality is seen through the lens of Caucasian patriarchal mythology.
Christine: They’re not pre-feminist, they’re just pre-’70s.They both make strong statements about women’s ambition and capacity for achievement.
Brad: They both had movies made about them!
Eugenia: (aside) Why is he in this class, again?
———
Can’t choose between two clothes-horsey strong women ? There’s no need! This one features Frida and comes in pink. It’s just 1” ’wide for delicate wrists. ($80). Talk to Louisa on the contact page.
Ducky
Muffy stifled a yawn, bored to death by the Junior League Spring Cotillion Committee meeting. For amusement, she side-eyed the bracelets the other girls around the conference table were wearing. A gold bangle there, boring. A diamond tennis bracelet, impressive, but dull. A loaded gold charm bracelet, sweet, but predictable.
And then, right next to her was Molly’s wrist, circled in motley beads—silver, turquoise, tiger eye, glass, lucite, lapis, cinnabar—with a surprise ceramic duck and parrot. It looked primitive, but Muffy knew better: It was a rare designer piece that cost three figures. Molly had moxie to spend that much on a fake duck.
Muffy elbowed Molly and whispered: “Love your bracelet. I saw it in Vanity Fair.”
Molly grinned. “Me, too! So I showed it to my copyist. Much better deal.”
———
The originals are sold out, so your only chance at capturing this fun piece ($30) is by contacting your personal copyist, Louisa, on the contact page. No two alike, but ducks are in limited supply.
Iceberg
Tired of penguins and seals, not to mention his fellow (androgynous puffy-coated) tourists, he
wandered away from the Antarctic expedition ship and came upon a stunning blond just
outside a tent, squinting through binoculars. He grinned and made bold.
“What are you looking at?”
She glared at him as though he were an errant krill.
“A23. I’m a resident glaciologist.”
“What?”
“A23 is the world’s largest iceberg. It’s broken loose from the ocean floor and going north.”
“At a glacial pace, but that’s the only action I’ve seen on this trip. What’s there to do around
here?” He winked at her. Maybe there was an ice bar somewhere?
She held out her wrist and brushed back the fur cuff. “See this bracelet? It took me all winter to
make. That pyramid in the middle is A23, with cold blue and green waves all around it. That’s
what I do when I’m not watching glacier races.”
Get a life, he thought. “Thank you for your service,” he mumbled, backing away.
Maybe the puffy
coats weren’t androgynous after all.
———
You’ve already got a life. Celebrate with your own iceberg. ($120) Titanic not included. Contact Louisa on the Contact page.
Sky Lights
Sally’s astronomy professor — he looked so much like a young Antonio Banderas — had brought the class outdoors.
He hopped up to sit on a tree trunk, manspreading and then mansplaining.
“Imagine early man,” he said, waving towards the sky, “watching the sunrise — he must have thought that was God. And then the sunset — God leaving the day in a blaze of color. And the next day a rainbow, maybe, a fragile arc of brilliant colors, that man can never quite reach….”
A handsome man who could talk about God. Whoa. Sally closed her eyes briefly, then raised her hand.
“Professor Gonzalez, please, will you show us the night sky as well?”
———
Bring the day sky home with Sunrise (lower right, ¾ inch $15) Sunset (top, 1.5 in, $20), and delicate Rainbow earrings (left 1.25 in, $15). Visit with Louisa on the Contact page.
Fruit Loops
Why on earth had she volunteered to take the grandkids all day? Sheer folly.
Olivia had driven the entire autumn Fruit Loop trail south of Hood River, with Zeke, 6, and
Annie, 3, in tow. They picked pears and ran through a corn maze. At Mountain View Orchards, they
visited Carlos, a huge white steer. They petted goats. At the country store, Zeke and Annie
needed toys and donuts. On the way home, they fought over…something…. Annie
shrieked inconsolably, while Zeke pleaded innocence. Then they both fell asleep.
Back at the house, their well-rested parents put the tots to bed. “How’d it go?” Bill asked.
“Fabulous. We had the best time!”
A sleepy grumble came from Zeke’s room. “Again tomorrow?”
“We got you a thank-you present,” said Hannah. “It’s a fruit loop.”
Olivia wanted to wear it like a crown of laurels but put it around her neck instead. “I love it.”
———
Enjoy a Fruit Loop less tiring than the one south of Hood River. (Glass beads, $135) Visit Louisa on the Contact page.
Swifty
“Exhausting tour, ” Taylor said, sinking into a leather beanbag and pushing the friendship bracelets off her arm. Her assistant Buffy scooped them up as they hit the floor.
“These are adorbs, these gifts from the fans.” Taylor now shook eight off the other arm. “But I never want to see one again.”
Taylor’s wrists now felt…naked and cold. Must be post-tour depression. Coming down from all that adrenaline. She needed to chill and then think up another tour idea. Buffy brought over a large turquoise cuff. “This came for you, from somebody called, um, Louisa.”
Taylor’s eyes grew wide. “OMG! It’s so….warrior goddess!” She tried it on and felt a surge of energy. She was powerful. She was invincible. She was intimidating.
“Yes! Let’s get one in every color!” She paused a second. “Then start booking the Warrior Goddess tour!”
———
Want your own stunning Warrior Goddess cuff? ($125) Talk to Louisa on the Contact page.
Ice
Her palm was so damp that the gin and tonic nearly slid out of her hand. Pamela stabilized it, and took a generous sip, being hot and thirsty.
“I didn’t expect global warming quite this soon,” she said, blotting her exquisite face with a white bandana.
Carl plucked an ice cube from his own drink, got down on one knee by her chaise, and slid the ice slowly down her spine. “Ooh. Nice. Just keep doing that all day…..”
He handed her a small box. “This will last all day, and more….”
Inside was a chunky bracelet made of silver, crystal, glass, and lucite.
She slid it on and felt a minor chill. “Carl! It’s so……cool!”
————
It’s August. To get something cool of your own ($50) chat with Louisa on the Contact page. (Cute guy with ice cube not included.)
Birthday Cake
Jean-Claude came in with the distinctive white and black box, the very container sending Proustian thrills up her spine.
“Non, cheri, tell me you did not go to Stohrer for my birthday cake.”
He put the box down on the table. “I did not.”
“But that box is from the most famous patisserie in Paris. They made birthday cakes for Louis XV. I begged you not to do this. A slice of birthday cake has a whopping 12 WeightWatcher points, which is half of what I’m allowed to eat all day. Is this some kind of diet sabotage thing?”
“I love you the way you are. Open it.”
Her mind buzzing with conflict—should she taste it to be polite?—she slipped the box open, then parted the pink tissue paper. There was a splendid cuff in every pastel.
She threw her arms about his neck. “I love it!”
He smiled. “Twelve points for me, eh?”
————
The Birthday Cake bracelet, unlike birthday cake, will be fun to wear year-round. ($120). Visit with Louisa on the Contact page if interested.
Mona Lisa
Lisa squirmed. “Leonardo, potresti andare avanti?” ( Leonardo, can we just get on with it?)
The painter frowned. “Sì, ma devi smetterla di beffarda!” (Yes, but you must stop smirking!)
“Mi sono stancato di sorridere! Sono stato seduto qui per ore!" (I got tired of smiling. I’ve been sitting here for hours!)
"Ma non devi schernire!”(But you don’t have to smirk!) He pointed his brush at her.
“Che importa, Leo? Nessuno lo vedrà comunque.“ (What does it matter, Leo? Nobody will see this anyway.)
————
Let a classic beauty do your smirking for you. ($120) Visit Louisa on the Contact page.
Big Dove, Little Dove
She was looking lost, so he crossed the room to her, his beer going flat in a plastic cup.
“I’ve never seen you at a reunion before,” he said.
She squinted at his name tag. “I’m always afraid I won’t know anybody.”
“I remember you,” he said.
“That anti-war protest, 1970. After the march we shared a joint and ruminated about the horror of war.”
“Mmm.” She didn’t remember him. Maybe he’d had really long hair.
“That war ended, but then people start new ones. It never ends.”
She reached into her pocket. “Here. Have a dove.”
Big Dove, 1.5” wide on a metal cuff ($80), or Little Dove, 1” wide with toggle ($50). See the Contact page for purchasing information.
Banderas
Elena put on the white jeans, the navy tee, and the red sandals. That seemed like enough.
Tracy, the BFF, handed over the tassels.
Elena: “You’re kidding. These things are three inches long! I’ll be….conspicuous!”
Tracy: “God forbid. Look, kiddo, we’re going to the Bristol, Rhode Island For-da-July parade. It’s the loudest, most colorful, most amazing, most coveted, most visited parade on the East Coast. If you don’t wear these, you’ll be underdressed.”
Elena: “God forbid. Gimme. Mmmm. They make my neck look so long….”
If you want your own pair of Banderas ($15) in time for Bastille Day, flip to the contact page.
Pendleton
Even for a cowboy in skinny jeans and a pricey felt hat, the dust and sweat of the Pendleton Roundup can be a bit too macho and downright exhausting. So between the bull riding and the calf roping, he wandered to the field where the Indians, as they are known in the Northwest, were selling turquoise and its favorite companion, silver.
Behind one table, he spied a stunning young woman with a curtain of glossy black hair. She looked at him and smiled.
One bracelet caught his eye. “Tell me about that one, please, ” he said.
She explained, “The arrow symbolizes protection. The heart is for love. The sun in the middle brings healing energy, the dove is for peace, and the word ‘dream’ is for all that we do not understand.”
“What about the magnets at the ends?”
“The magnets just make it easier to get off and on,” she said.
He touched the brim of his Stetson. “I’ll take it, ma’am.”
“It’s miss,” she said.
Adopt a bit of the old west. ($80) Write to me on the contact page.
Agate Beach
After a month of dating, she finally asked him into her apartment. It was midnight in November, dark as velvet. The next morning, he followed the scent of coffee and sausages into the living room with its one glass wall and the view he hadn’t seen the night before. It was glorious—b
eige sand, pale blue ocean, bits of silver from fancy shells, a touch of deep red seaweed.
“Coffee?” She extended her slender arm towards him, a cobalt mug in her fist,
and on her wrist were triple strands that exactly matched the colors of the view.
“This is beautiful,” he said to her hand.
But her eyes were on the beach. “Yes, it’s quite the view, isn’t it?
Drink up. I have an early call today.”
Hear the surf all year round ($50). Message Louisa on the contact page.
Dora Marr
Picasso’s last image of his beloved
Dora looked at the painting on the easel, then turned to Pablo. “Is that how you see me? With two noses? With hard angles?”
Pablo shrugged. “You are a woman of many facets, my love. I can’t even capture them all.”
Dora looked him in the eyes and saw the failed passion, the tiredness of their love. In her portrait she saw her boredom.
She put on her cape. “You will not paint me again.” She walked out, leaving the portrait behind.
If you want to wear Picasso’s last painting of Dora ($125), message Louisa on the contact page.